Donald Trump is not a very naughty boy. He's the Messiah

The 76-year-old liar and cheat is here to save us all. Isn't it obvious?

Reading The Sunday Times yesterday I came across an article headlined "Backed into a corner, Donald Trump cosies up to cult of conspiracy theorists", which contained a post from the great man's Truth Social platform. A column by Zeeshan Aleem on MSNBC a few days earlier had put a typically alarmist interpretation on the great man's embrace of those modern-day Good Samaritans QAnon. But as I gazed on those kindly features, made positively beatific by the soft focus effect, the golden hair like a halo, I realised: Donald Trump is the Messiah. "The storm is coming" is just another way of saying: "The Second Coming is coming." It's true the biblical imagery seems to have been conflated somewhat with the prophetic iconography of that other religious epic Games of Thrones, but there's a reason this augury was revealed on Truth Social. It's been "re-Truthed" so many times it's obviously true. Duh!

Still not convinced? Let's examine the evidence.

Jesus Christ was sent into the world by his father with nothing to save mankind. Donald Trump was sent into the world by his father with nothing except a million dollars to save one man, himself, from ever having to do an honest day's work.

At 32, Jesus Christ was sentenced to one of the most unpleasant, sadistic and degrading forms of capital punishment humanity has devised. At 76, Donald Trump will soon, with any luck, be sentenced to spend some time in prison.

Jesus Christ turned fives loaves and two fish into enough food to feed 5,000 people. Donald Trump turned about $150m into "in excess of TEN BILLION DOLLARS". Or, as New York's attorney-general put it: "Trump falsely inflated his net worth by billions of dollars.”

Jesus Christ consorted with Mary Magdalen, a woman of ill repute. Er, OK, this one doesn't work at all.

Jesus Christ was not put off by people's nether regions, often washing the feet of his friends. Donald Trump has spoken of grabbing women by their nether regions.

Jesus Christ turned water into wine just by thinking about it at a wedding in Galilee. Donald Trump turned classified documents into declassified documents just by thinking about it at his home in Florida.

Jesus Christ assured Simon that, even though the lake at Gennesaret had not yielded much all day, if he put out his nets again he would catch at least 11,780 fish. Donald Trump told the Georgia election official Brad Raffensperger that he could definitely find 11,780 more votes if only he looked properly.

Jesus Christ was betrayed by his closest disciple, Peter, after his arrest. Donald Trump expects all his disciples to pay the price to keep him at liberty because he is here to make the world great again.

There are hundreds more examples, if only you could see them. So come on, disciples: it's time to love thy neighbour (as long as they're a QAnon believer too), turn the other cheek (but not to pizzeria-lurking, child-snatching Democrats obvs) and hold on to your bison horns for the lord thy Trump to come again in glory.